Trapped in the Nightmare
As a young girl; at the tender age of 6 or 7 I suppose, I watched the popular “Freddie Kruger” thriller Nightmare on Elm Street 3. For years I found myself having the reoccurring dream of running from Kruger up a flight of stairs that collapsed before me as I took every step. I often woke up terrified, heart racing, looking around and far too timid to even go to the bathroom which resulted in me wetting the bed…yes as a 7 year old, JUDGE ME >insert shoulder shrug here< I was a bed wetter and was often teased about it so, I’m immune at the tender age of thirty something. I’m not completely sure if I was more afraid of the proverbial boogie man (Freddie Kruger), or the one just out side of my bedroom door but I knew I wasn’t getting out of bed until the sun came up PERIOD! As I grew older and the scary movies, abuse and emotional pain eased away as a child, the childhood nightmare eventually faded away and I finally realized that “Freddie Kruger” wasn’t real however, I had no idea that approximately twenty years later, I would find myself still trapped in what seemed to be a lifetime nightmare!
Without a cute way to segue into this topic, here goes…
My adult nightmares were actually a symptom of shamefully un-diagnosed PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder), caused by being in an abusive relationship (The short backstory behind that is that prior to working in the medical field I had suffered with depression and refused to be “labeled” with mental illness as a healthcare worker therefore, recognizing all of the signs I simply “coped” because I became the master at self medicating and coping with things silently). Also yes, #METOO I was in a domestically abusive relationship for a few years. I cannot remember the amount of times I tried to get out, ran, even moved to a new town but, I tried and failed until finally breaking free at the end of 2008…
The adult nightmares began during the relationship after the abuse began which was nearly 2 years after we started dating. At that time they would come in the form of premonitions therefore, with every dream came a night of attacks. Some nights I would sleep with my car keys in my underwear and often make sure my children weren’t home. Other times, the dreams would end in my demise so, I would sleep at a relatives or a friends just to save my children the heartache in the case that the nightmare came to pass. In my naivety, there were also times I would call and tell people my dreams in hopes that either they would not come true or that in the event something happened to me they would have details on who and what happened…or at least a clue.
Once I was finally free from the relationship, phantom fear kicked in and the dreams became more intense however, I had assurance knowing that I had finally been delivered so now it was time to start working on repairing the damage, working on restoring the broken pieces, working on finding me. While I had spent so much time working on journeying into wholeness in “every area of my life” there were several obstacles, temptations and pitfalls that came along the way that continually took me to a place of fear, torment and dismay triggering the nightmares and setting me back into what seemed like the sunken place. However, I always found my way back to the path searching for spiritual, emotional, physical and mental wholeness however, I was unintentionally subconsciously avoiding that one area that still seemed to haunt me.
I was confused , how could I be trapped in these dreams after years of being free, years of being healed from brokenness in the area of abuse, and more importantly free from my abuser mentally and physically?!
That is until last Thursday(2 weeks ago tomorrow); the dream was so vivid but I will spare the details, I woke up with my heart racing but, this time was different than all of the others. I was afraid but only for a few moments, I laid there still for a moment a bit confused questioning God. I got out of my bed a little later than normal, went to the living room and prayed as I normally do but, instead of working out I climbed back into the bed and just held my husband silently letting tears roll down my face. My thoughts began to race again until finally after lying in bed far to long, I realized I wasn’t afraid, I was angry! Angry that I was still stuck! Stuck in that sunken place of fear in the one place of my life that I had claimed to be free from and had been witnessing to others about for years!!! At least I though I was free. I was confused , how could I be trapped in these dreams after years of being free, years of being healed from brokenness in the area of abuse, and more importantly free from my abuser mentally and physically?! Had I ever really been delivered? This was just too much! What did I have to do to be totally free from being haunted by the adult boogeyman?! While he no longer scared me when I was conscious or awake, the mere fact that he was ever allowed to enter my thought especially during my slumber infuriated me and I was upset to say the least!
These thoughts lingered in my mind throughout the day, I was so puzzled to a point I was so quiet filtering the noise of my thoughts waiting to hear from Him. To drive out all of the chatter in my head, I knew what I needed to do and that was to get in my word, meditate and pray. Through meditation and prayer I found the answer in Matthew 17:14–20(specifically versus 19 and 20 because that was my question), look it up if you’re curious and or a believer if not keep reading it’s ok. In short, Jesus heals a demon possessed boy, and the disciples begin to question Jesus why they were we not able to heal him and His response was so simple yet profound “Because you have so little faith…” In that moment of revelation I learned a lot…a WHOLE LOT but, one thing I will share is that I realized throughout life in general I have had faith in some areas and not in other whether knowingly or unknowingly. I learned that I had areas of my life that I was not trusting God to make me whole in…consciously or subconsciously I am still responsible for my level of faith because I will have to deal with the consequences of the lack thereof. It is no different than the law of attraction, we have to believe it to receive it, and so on and so forth.
"We all have areas in which we must self-reflect, take a deeper look and trust God to heal us in so that we can continue on our journey to wholeness freely!"
Actual nightmares may not be the things that have you trapped or the thing you may be struggling with but, it may be drugs, food addictions, alcohol, bitterness, past trauma, faith, heartache, whatever it may be I petition you to not only be more present, conscious and aware of what your nightmares, prisons, or struggles are and trust the power you possess and the power of YOUR SOURCE to bring you through it…whatever IT is, don’t ignore it because eventually it will only become magnified in your life over time. Face your fears, address the issue and get connected to your source, and use the power within you to be FREE! Until next time. _One2Mpower